Breathe

As some of you may know, I lost a friend in the Aurora theater shooting last month. She was my friend by default, my sister's best friend. Every day I miss Jessi, and I mourn for her loss, but also for the loss my sister has had. It is awful to see someone so close to you hurt so bad. I wish I could take away the pain that my sister is experiencing, as well as Jessi's boyfriend, mother, and friend that was also shot.

Whenever I see such a tragedy on TV I immediately pray. I pray for all the people involved, their families, and the shooters families. When I first heard about the Aurora shooting I was up for an early morning feeding with Lola. Austin woke up with me & couldn't go back to sleep. He turned on his computer and informed me of the shooting, and then told me that my birthday would go down in history for such a tragic event. Then, I did what I always do. I prayed. I thought about the friends I have in Colorado and I prayed for them....

A couple hours later my sister, Molly called me frantically. I remember ignoring her call twice, thinking she just wanted to be the first one to wish my "Happy Birthday." It wasn't until I received her text "call me immediately" that I actually called her. She informed me of Jessi... And that someone needed to tell our sister, Bridget, before she found from a text or a phone call. Still in shock & processing the information myself, I went to Bridget's house and had the hardest conversation I've ever had in my life.

Since the shooting, I've gone through all sorts of emotions. Shock. Numbness. Rage. Regret. Sadness. Even happiness when I think of the memories I do have of Jessi. For the first few days I was glued to the TV and Internet and was following the story so closely. I not only would have nightmares about the things I'd read, but while awake I would be so preoccupied and terrified that I was not paying nearly enough attention to my family. I was so preoccupied with this tragic event that I was missing the present. I am still very, very sad and heartbroken about what happened, but I have to remind myself several times a day that I need to be present, now, rather than be worried or upset about the things that have happened in the past. I need to remember Jessi's youthful and contagious happiness for life, and try not to worry about what could happen in the future.

It still does seem so surreal to me though. I see these things on the TV and I always felt so far away from them... So distant. Now, I see a similar event on TV and it brings me right back to that place I was 2 weeks ago... Once again, I need to concentrate on each breath I take in, each breath I let out, and be thankful for every moment that I am given.