Motherhood.

Recent events in my life has got me thinking back to when I first had Brady.  Don't get me wrong, after trying for 7 solid months I was ecstatic that the boy decided to join our family (and yes, I realize this isn't a "long" time for many of you out there...), but there is a certain feeling that comes over you when you see that plus sign in the window of the pregnancy test.  Most of it was "FINALLY".... but there was still a lot of it that said "oh no, there is no going back now, am I REALLY ready for this?!?"  And, there is really nothing left to do, but move forward.

After having my first child, I remember sitting at home and being SO EXCITED that he was here, but being lost in this new role of being a mother... and not quite knowing WHAT to do with these emotions.  I was a completely different person then I had ever been before.  The crazy girl I was in college was not here anymore, and I immediately didn't not want my child to ever know about that person I used to be.  I was no longer my husband's "cute wife", but now a "mother."  Did he now see me in a different light?   My friends often commented (and still do from time to time) about how they miss the "old Browyn."  In be beginning of my "motherhood" this comment really bothered me.  I remember thinking, "What??  The old Browyn is gone?  No she's not!  I just need to go out with them and show them she's still here!"  The thing is though, when I would go out and party like I DIDN'T have a baby waiting for me at home, I felt judged by everyone around me.  I felt like they were all looking at me saying, "Doesn't she have a kid at home?  Why is she up so late/drinking so much/acting so crazy like?"  There was no happy medium for me.  I was either sad at home thinking everyone thought I was lame, or out thinking everyone thought I was a bad parent.  AND.... my kid wasn't old enough to help me out sort out any of these emotions.

Somewhere I read it takes a full year for you to fully become "comfortable" with being a parent.  I agree with this.  It wasn't everyone telling me what or how to do things regarding my baby..... It was feeling like I lost myself.  Somewhere between my "old self" and getting that plus sign in the pregnancy test.... I lost myself.... my whole world changed.  It is a huge adjustment not living your life for just yourself.... but knowing that someone else's life would directly be affected if anything happened to you or if you made bad decisions.  Just the responsibility of it in itself was almost devastating to think about in the beginning. 

I say this all now, because I was fully expecting to go through some sort of similar emotional roller coaster when Lola was born.  I didn't.  I know that my friends that don't understand where the "old Browyn" went do not understand that I have two amazing children that have taken center stage, who make me a much better person then the "old Browyn" ever did or was.  I know the people that judge me when I go out with my friends do not know what a wonderful mother I am to both my kids every waking moment.  How I tuck them in at night, thanking God for all our blessings and singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star not once, but twice, every night.  How Thanksgiving hasn't even come but I can't help but give my son an early Christmas present because I know how much he is going to love it.  How I sit up at night thinking of all the fun things that they would love when they wake up in the morning.... and how when I get home from a long day at work I have to go in and wake them up, just to give them a kiss and tell them I love them, and that they are my world, because they are.  They may not know that I don't go out often, and that when I do, they that must mean they are very special people, to get me away from the people that I hold closest to my heart.  And if they are the kind of people that don't understand who the "new Browyn" is, they aren't people that I care to know their opinion anyway.

Being a parent changes you.  Forever.  Yes, the "old" you may leave, but the "new" you that is coming is so much more spectacular then you ever thought you could imagine.  There is nobody else in your life that can make you want to be a better person then your own child.  There is nobody else in the world that you can love more.... and nobody else in the world that I would give up the "old" for the "new" in a heartbeat.